


Questions & Answers

by vanishingbyler



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, References to Past Suicide Attempt, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24594859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanishingbyler/pseuds/vanishingbyler
Summary: Skipping out on a party, Alex finds himself drunkenly questioning how his life got to the point it has. Zach answers one of those questions in an unexpected way.(please ignore the terrible title & summary)
Relationships: Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 5
Kudos: 120





	Questions & Answers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ruinedwords](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ruinedwords/gifts).



> if you've clicked on this despite the atrocious title & summary, I have to thank you
> 
> i wrote this before season 4 dropped, and i decided to completely disregard season 3 (because i hate it), so timeline-wise this is post-s2.
> 
> trigger warning for fleeting references to suicidal thoughts & past attempt (alex's canon)

Summer winding to a close is as anti-climactic as ever. As the days slowly start getting shorter again and the air becomes ever-so-slightly cooler, the only thing Alex can really think about is the looming threat of school.

Senior year. It’s strange to think about, really.

Even before everything went down with Hannah, this year was something that felt terribly distant and unattainable. A part of him had always believed he’d die before he reached 18, even when he had no real intentions of acting on his suicidal ideations.

Every school he’d attended before Liberty had sucked, but none quite to this extent. Despite having real friends for once, he still considers it to be his worst high school experience. The thought of having to go through a year he never wanted to live to see  _ here,  _ in this cesspit of trauma and depravity, is almost too much to bear.

Hence why tonight, the last Sunday before school starts up again, as some house party rages across town in the home of some indistinguishable rich asshole or another, Alex is at home. He’s drowning his sorrows about tomorrow in cheap beers that Zach has brought over, lying back in his bed and ranting about the state of the world. Zach, to his credit, is taking it all in stride. He listens to every complaint, only chiming in when Alex says something that specifically calls for a response.

Following yet another swig of beer, Alex groans and sits up.

“And like… and like,  _ you,  _ right? You should be at some meathead football party right now! But here you are, listening to all my total bullshit,  _ again! _ ”   
“I don’t mind. I’m not a big fan of parties.”   
“Shut  _ up,  _ you do like parties.”   
Zach just shrugs. “Yeah, well, I like you more.”

They go silent for a few minutes after that, each choosing to finish up the beers they’ve been nursing rather than break the comfortable silence.

A short while later, they’re disturbed by the buzzing of Alex’s phone, quickly followed by Zach’s. It’s a message in the group chat, a selfie from a clearly intoxicated Justin kissing Jessica on the cheek, captioned  _ ‘y arnt u giyz herr yrt ???’ _ . Alex scoffs, tossing his phone aside.

“What’s that about? I thought you were over her?”   
“I am. I guess.”   
“So what’s with the bitterness?”   
“I just…” He pauses, as if trying to collect his thoughts. “I keep thinking how much of this year is going to be spent talking about relationships. Y’know? Like… there’s prom, and planning colleges around who you’re dating, and like senior photos and shit, and how everyone cares  _ so  _ much. And with Jess, like… I get it, okay? We weren’t right for each other. But it isn’t  _ just  _ Jess, is it? It’s every girl I’ve ever been with.”

He pauses to open another can, taking a few big gulps before leaning back against the wall. Zach considers saying something, but decides instead to let him stew. He’s known Alex long enough to understand that it’s rarely possible to talk him down in situations like these.

“I get that I’m not everyone’s type, y’know? I get that. I don’t mind it. But it’s the fact I don’t seem to be…  _ anyone’s,  _ y’know? And like, even when I find a girl I think I like, and who by some miracle likes me back, I just… I just can’t get it to work. Like, I want a relationship so bad, and I do everything right. You know? Like, we have sex or whatever, and we go on dates, and we talk all night, and she’s  _ great,  _ but it’s like I can’t feel anything. Anything! It’s like I’m there, and I’m doing everything right, and she’s pretty, and she’s into me, and I  _ want  _ to be into her, but it’s like I just… I just can’t. I keep on waiting for the feelings to kick in. And it’s with  _ every  _ girl, and I’m stuck. I’m just stuck.”   
“Alex…”   
“And I don’t get why it’s so hard all the time.” Another swig of beer. “Is it like that for everyone? Are all the books and movies and Instagram posts and whatever just total bullshit? Is everyone just pretending to feel shit because they’re told they should?”   
“Alex — ”

“‘Cause I’ve always been like this, even before I shot myself. It’s not like I broke my brain here. It’s just…  _ constant _ . It’s like I’m constantly waiting to feel how everyone else feels, to the point I genuinely don’t know if any of them actually feel it. Like, does everyone just… settle for someone they like to hang out with? Like is it all just…  _ ‘you’re my friend, but you’re also hot and the sex is good, so let’s settle down’ _ ? That can’t be all it is. There has to be more to it than that!”   
“Alex!”   
“So why can’t I do it? How am I 18, near enough, and yet I haven’t met a single girl that makes me feel how everyone says girls are supposed to make you feel? Am I always going to just —”

Suddenly, there are lips on his. Zach’s lips. Zach Dempsey, Zachary fucking Dempsey is  _ kissing him _ .

Logic tells Alex that this means nothing. They’re both a little drunk, and tensions are high. Zach just wants him to shut up, and this is the easiest way to do it.

Logic doesn’t help, though, as it hits Alex that this is counteracting everything he’s just been saying. In this moment, this  _ kiss,  _ he’s feeling it all - every butterfly, every firework, every cliche that people have told him means you’ve found The One. Every little thing he’s been trying to find with a girl for years.

When Zach pulls away - after five seconds that felt like far too few - he just smiles that dopey grin of his and mumbles “stop talking” with a laugh.

It’s the most Alex can do not to let his jaw drop, settling instead for wide eyes and stunned silence.

“Maybe you just haven’t found the right girl yet because you overthink it too much. Maybe the right girl isn’t in Evergreen. Maybe she’s not even in the US. Maybe you’ll find her later, at college or work or whatever. Maybe the universe is just holding off letting you feel shit until you’re totally ready, until the  _ perfect  _ girl comes along.”   
  
There’s a beat of silence.

“Or maybe I’m gay.”

It’s the quietest he’s ever been, but luckily Zach doesn’t ask him to repeat himself. Instead he sits up straighter, moves closer, takes Alex’s shaking hands in his still one. His eyes are wide and soft, and Alex finds himself wishing he could drown in them.

“Do you think you might be?”   
“I didn’t… I didn’t before. But maybe.”   
“Do you wanna talk about it?”   
“I don’t know. Maybe?”

Zach shifts in his seat to get comfortable and loos into Alex’s eyes. Without a word uttered, Alex feels as if Zach is delving into his very soul.

“Well, what made you consider it?”

Alex just stares blankly, incredulous.

“Seriously? You just  _ kissed  _ me!”   
“And? That doesn’t make  _ you  _ gay.”   
“Well yeah, but I…” Alex blushes, averting his gaze. “I  _ felt  _ something.”   
Zach grins. “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve given you a boner.”   
“Shut up! Asshole.” He retorts, shoving Zach. “Like… Like all the stuff I’ve been trying to feel. Heart stuff, not dick stuff.”

Zach smiles, leaning back in his seat and taking another swig of his drink.

“Glad I can make you feel heart stuff, Standall.”

Alex just rolls his eyes, turning away. Zach looks him up and down with sympathy in his own eyes.

“Can I help you figure it out? I could kiss you again.”   
Alex balks. “I tell you I might be gay and your response, as a straight guy, is to offer to kiss me? Aren’t football players supposed to be disgusted by the thought of a guy liking them?”   
“Only the homophobic ones. Bi ones tend to be pretty chill.”   
“Bi?” Alex splutters. “Since when are you bi?”   
“Since forever, dude. I came out in eighth grade. Everyone just ignores it because I don’t really date.”

With a long, slow exhale, Alex leans back in the bed, away from Zach. He stares up at the ceiling and reaches out, yet again, for his drink.

Everything about this seems surreal.

There are any number of reasons for Alex not to trust this. For one, he’s lived here two years and never heard a word of Zach’s apparent long-standing bisexuality. But at the same time, has he ever asked? Has he ever talked to him, or any Liberty student, about attraction and sexuality in this capacity? Hell, it took him over a year to notice that Tony was gay. And since Zach has only been in one relationship since Alex has known him (and that was one that only came up under oath) it seems fair enough that he could have missed it.

“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind kissing me again? I mean, what if I realise I am gay and fall hopelessly in love with you?”   
“It wouldn’t be difficult to fall in love right back.”

As Zach grins that familiar cheeky grin it’s all Alex can manage to avoid blushing. He finds that it’s kind of impossible not to trust Zach. If that comment had come from anybody else he would’ve been annoyed, would have shoved them back, would have accused them of making fun of him. However unattractive Alex may find himself, however far from loveable he may consider himself to be, it’s obvious to anyone that Zach said those words in absolute earnest.

Before Alex has a chance to voice those thoughts, Zach speaks up.

“I really am serious, Alex. If you’re gay, it won’t change anything. And if you like me, I would definitely like you back. It would be the easiest thing in the world.” He casts his eyes downward and Alex blushes. “You’re already my best friend, and that’s halfway to a relationship. So - can I kiss you again?”   
“Please.”

Though it didn’t come about as organically as the first kiss, this one is every bit as incredible. Every sensation feels heightened - the feeling of their lips pressed together, Zach’s soft breaths against his face, and every beat of his heart. Alex feels everything tenfold, as if this exact moment is what his life has been building to thus far.

He can’t keep track of how long it lasts, not really. He’s distantly aware that they pull apart for air a few times, but the electricity between them doesn’t cease. The entire world falls away around them and all Alex can feel is Zach - his lips, his heartbeat, the inviting heat that radiates off him. It all slots into place as if Zach makes up the missing piece that Alex thought meant he would be broken forever.

When they finally separate, after moments that felt as much like an instant as they did an eternity, Alex can still feel his lips tingling. Zach’s lip balm, sweet and vanilla-flavoured, lingers around his mouth. Everything feels so fresh and electric, some totally unreal experience that answers every question that Alex has ever asked.

“So… Think you’re gay?”   
“I think I really might be.” He pauses for a second, weighing up how brave he feels in this moment.” “Should we kiss again? Just to be sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully this didn't completely suck ! i wrote it a week or two back when the weather was nice and i could sit in the sun and write in a notebook pretending that the world isn't falling apart ✨


End file.
